A lump in my throat


Shallow breathing

Heart beating

Thy name is anxiety

<Sp/>

I feel lost as a lamb 

With the duties of a sheep

Overwhelmed 

Confused

Paralyzed 

Over my future 

What people will think of me

What will happen to me

I have no idea

No control 

Over myself

My feelings

Or my desires

<Sp/>


I want to stop feeling sad

And worried 

And tired

And be full of energy

And hope

And positivity 

But here I am

Right now

With a lump in my throat 

What do I do

When I have no clue

Where I'm going

In a canoe

With no paddle

Spinning in the current

Hoping to not meet a waterfall

And reach a safe harbor

Afraid of so many things

Failure, starvation and death

Afraid that I won't make it

Even though I have the skills

I dont have the confidence

Or the motivation 

To fight this paralysis 

Help me

Show me

How to be better

Help me to help myself 

Be better

A lump in my throat

Insecurities 

What are they?

Those little buggers that cry

You can't, you won't, you don't believe...

Until you punch them in the face 

And shout

I do believe, I do believe, I DO!

Nothing a little mental violence can't solve

<Sp/>

After suppressing your insecurities 

You reinforce your hopes and dreams

That chirp, you can do this

This is just a bumpy road to greatness 

It's funny and will make you humble

It'll make a great acceptance speech

<Sp/>

So savour the uncertain now

Bask in future possibility 

And appreciate the successes of the past

That have led you to this moment

<Sp/> 

You are great

But so is everyone around you

Sonder means to realize 

That everyone else is living

A life as vivid and complex as your own

<Sp/>

Its true 

We all have dreams

Big or small

And we are climbing up the staircase

Pushing on to the top

As long as we don't stop

Believe

Blossoming Love

<Sp/>


Soft pink petals waft through the air

Like ballerinas, dancing without a care

<Sp/>

Landing in gentle streams

Of cotton candy dreams

<Sp/>

Rivers of chocolate with a pink hue

With sweet seduction, hope sprouts anew

<Sp/>

A man walks into a candy cane tree

Dizzy with overwhelming glee

<Sp/>

When he spots his lover's teasing grin

He melts, letting the grass embrace him

<Sp/>

She runs to him in her cherry pink heels

Holding close the joy and awe she feels

<Sp/>

Spring after spring, bloom after bloom

Watching the blossoms fall to their tomb

<Sp/>

Their love has finally unfurled and grown

Bringing them a bliss they had never known

<Sp/>

Oh, sweet love, sweet delight

Golden pink in the fading light

Blossoming Love

<Sp/> 

Bubbling frothy pink

A fountain of fizzing joy

Hope, excitement, wonder

Me? Really? That's amay-zing!

<Sp/> 


A bright skirt flaring in the wind

as she dances in the sun

Her long hair flying in the sweet air

Life is glorious, she cries

<Sp/> 


When suddenly, a cold splash of reality 

Melts away her pink castle of dreams

Until she's left frozen and shivering

In the chaotic rainstorm of life

<Sp/> 


Don't you just hate it when that happens?

Please don't burst my bubble

I know it won't last forever

But let me enjoy it while it's here

Coz these sparkling pink moments 

Don't come very often

So let me dance and dream

In this transient bubble of bliss

In the everflowing sea of time

Bubble Burst

Stop complimenting me so much

I don't know what to do about it

And it makes me imagine you've fallen for me

Even though you're probably like this with everyone 

You've got that enthusiasm and confidence

That charm, that charisma-churizma?

Does everyone feel like this when they talk to you?

Or is it just me?

Its probably coz you're just that handsome

...No, it's the charisma

The good looks help but some people are plain dull

And there's no spark or energy: it's just awkward 

Maybe WE just have chemistry 

Lke two actors on a movie screen 

Is this the beginning of a great friendship?

Or an ill fated romance?

Or have one too many praises gone to my head?

...It's probably the last one

<Sp/>


I wasn't like this, you know?

Doubting and self deprecating

<Sp/>

Am I good enough? 

Am I likeable?

Does anyone want to be my friend?

I'm talking and joking and laughing

We're definitely vibing 

But that self doubt emerges

Do they like being around me

Or are they just pretending, to be polite?

Am I good enough to be around all these

Shiny, perfect people

Who look like they've got their shit together? 

<Sp/>


They look confident and relaxed

Happy and glowing 

I am too, or at least I put on a good show

But are they pretending?

Are we all pretending?

Are we all displaying our Sunday best atop our faded rags?

Do we impose smiles upon our scowls?

Do bright eyes hide tears, fears, leers?

What mysterious creatures lie in the depths of our murky waters?

How thorny are our pasts?

How miserable are our presents?

What will become of us in our future?

<Sp/>

I wasn't like before...

So cynical and dark 

...At least I fit in the poet crowd

But is my wariness wisdom?

Or is it bitterness?

Is it making me a better person?

Or am I getting more jaded and world-weary?

<Sp/> 

Does it hurt to doubt?

Does it hurt to trust?

It hurts to do both

<Sp/>


Which makes sense

Considering the pit of horrors we're in

Every option leads to pain

Hah, sounds familiar 

Which pain can you bear?

Would you rather trust nobody and wither in the dark?

Or trust everybody and get crushed under their feet?

Human beings are like plants

They need water and sunshine and nutrients 

But not too much

And not too little

Too little sun and they become hungry for affection

Too much and they burn in the spotlight

Too little water and they shrivel to a ball

Too much and they drown in the world's cries

How do I get the right conditions?

To not trust every person I meet

But begin with a basic trust in human goodness?

Is that even doable?

I wouldn't know

But its better than nothing

<Sp/>


I wasn't always like this

And that's okay

The Compliments have Gone to my Head

Fall Gently

A thin mist cloaks the mountains 

Verdant peaks speckled with flame

Tiny cold drops peck my face sweetly 

As I enjoy the fragrance of earth and rain

Fall Gently

Desire and fear are so intertwined 

Desire that you get

Fear that you won't 

Frustration because why

Why not yet?

Fear because will...

Will you get it at all?

What if it's never

Or far too late

Or much too inferior?

What will people think

In the meantime?

Why?

Why do you not have it yet?

Is it a lack of effort?

Or intelligence?

Or fortune?

There are more questions than answers

Living everyday

Not knowing 

What and when and how

And being okay with that

That is the eternal struggle 

Our existential dilemma

Between our fear and our desire

Oh, to be zen like the sages

Free from desires and fears

Unwanting, unfearing

Paragons of virtue and wisdom

Can we be like that?

Do we even want to?

For with desire comes excitement

And hope and fire

And with fear comes expectation

And a fresh sense of being alive

Some call that adrenaline

Without fear and desire

Are we simply statues?

Unmoving 

Unfeeling

Or perhaps it is not one or the other

What is it like...

To desire but let go

To believe that this world is working for you

That your wish will be fulfilled when the time is right 

And if it isn't, then it was not right for you

To believe that everything that is happening...

Good and bad is a blessing 

Perhaps that is true wisdom...

Fear and Desire

I built a fortress in my heart

In the decade we've been apart

Tall stone walls to hide away the pain

Formed from righteous fury and disdain

Surrounded by a moat of liquid rage

Beasts of vengeance ready in a cage

For ten years I remained content inside 

Until I wondered how I would feel after you died 

I felt dazed, regretful and unsure

Then, on my birthday, you sent a lure

A birthday message that breached through 

A message that felt sweet and true

My kindled hope flared that you'd changed

That we could reconcile though estranged 




<Sp/>

But someone discovered traces of deceit

To believe he wrote it himself was my conceit

He sought help from a robot to craft

A sincere, generous draft

After a decade of doubt, I chose to trust

And my trust was torn into dust

It reminds why I built these walls of stone

Talking with him whittles me to bone 

A trickle of love is not worth this pain 

Keeping away is to to stay sane

Say A Fortress

Your Happiness is Virtue

This world is full of wickedness

Evil infects most like a sickness

But what is evil at its core?

When your happiness matters more

More than the happiness of others

Even though we are all brothers 
 

Evil means allowing your needs to rule


Your love of pleasure makes you cruel

It feels good to hurt other people

Makes your mundane life less dull

Evil is an endless hunger for more

To fill your stores, you loot the poor
 


Evil is believing you deserve the best

Seeing others shine causes unrest

So you push others down

Make their heads hit the ground

Seeing them weak makes you strong

Might is right, weakness is wrong

 


You hate virtues like justice and truth

Good people make you feel uncouth

Truth means facing unsavoury reality

Justice means forcing foolish equality

If doing good means feeling sad

Then you much prefer to be bad

 


Is chasing happiness truly a sin

If life is a game where sinners win?

Between pleasures your conscience knocks

Before you seal your heart with locks

Pleasure is virtue, pain is vice

It is foolish to be nice

 


So seek joy in the present

Though your future may be unpleasant

For all your sins are recorded by God

And one day you'll taste justice's rod

So go and follow your every desire

As you slowly sink into the mire

Your Happiness is Virtue

Have faith they say

In what, though?

That the world sucks?

That terrible things keep on happening?

What the point?

Is there a point?

Life feels like a joke

Like a puppet master's amusement

<Sp/>

But that doesn't make sense 

This beautiful complex world

The starry universe 

The diverse microcosm of bacteria

The gorgeous flowers and sweet fruit

The majestic beasts and graceful birds

The peaceful rivers and distant peaks

The crimson sands and pulsing jungles

Our logical biological systems and rapid mental processes

Ingenious inventions and moving art

Eye opening literature and tear jerking music

Were all created as a joke?

A prank, a trick, an amusement?

For fun?

Or were not created by anyone at all?

Just sheer happenstance 

Coincidence

Accident?

<Sp/>

...If you say so

But why I am I here?

What's the point of my life?

Is it to live like a beast, 

Sleep, drink and feast?

Is it to make the world a better place?

Out of sheer altruism 

Since this is all just an accident?

<Sp/>

Why am I here?

What am I doing?

Why am I spending 60 something years of my life 

Slowly aging till death

Feeling cold, heat, hunger and pain

Emotional blows and physical aches

What's the point?

If you're going to die anyways,

Why not just end it now?

<Sp/>

Why are we here?

Is there a purpose?

Do we exist just because?

Do we have intrinsic value?

Are our lives important?

Is there a meaning to living

In this world of suffering?

<Sp/>

I like to think so

If I'm here in this torture house

I want to believe

That my pain has purpose 

My suffering has meaning 

Be it karma or life lessons

Of humility, compassion and empathy

Wisdom is forged in the furnace of agony 

Realization strikes in the darkness of dispair 

Hope is that little good thing that happens

When you want to give up completely 

That keeps you going 

<Sp/>

Have faith, they say

It's easier to have faith 

When you have something to cling onto

A benefactor

A purpose 

A reason 

A higher force

Because if this is all just a joke

Or a series of misfortunate accidents 

With no reason or meaning

Isn't that pretty darn sad?

Have faith they say

Human beings are great slobbering beasts,

Scouring the world for glory, gold and feasts,

They'd kill for power, love or a good strong drink,

'Anything to fill that empty void,' they think,

Lust, gluttony and greed are not a sin,

For most humans, they're goals to win,

'If only I had a lot of money,

My days would be bright and sunny

If only I met the love of my life,

My life would be free of all strife',

So they open their large, drooling snouts,

And gobble and gobble, ignoring their doubts,

'One more bun, one more bite,

 Will sate me and set me right',

But the more they eat, the more they need,

Growing an appetite to match their greed,

'What can I do to feel full inside?'

Past humans wondered as they ate, drank and died,

One day, a little sparrow told men the secret to end their constant greed,

'You need to be happy with what you have, be it a banquet or a seed,'

They scoffed and laughed at the sparrow's advice,

How could they be happy with a grain of rice?

One day, a terrible draught hit the land,

And all that remained of their stores were specks of grain and sand,

They remembered the sparrow then and gave thanks for the grain,

The heavens were pleased and lo, behold, it began to rain,

The men realized the perils of wanting and greed, of hungry need,

And became satisfied with their lot and the lives they would lead,

Of course, don't be complacent and lose your passion and fire,

But there's a difference between dreams and endless desire

Hungry

The train of life is chugging along 

Full of colour, delight and song,

Look out at the wide green and blue

What an enchanting view

<Sp/>

The glittering of morning dew

On the petals of soft pink hue

The heady sweet perfume

Enticing me to my doom

<Sp/>


As if led by by a mysterious spell

An urge I am unable to quell

I step out of the train doors

My beating heart soars

As I breath in the sweet cool air

Never felt a fragrance so rare

<Sp/>

As I float through the valley of pink

A flower fairy gives me a playful wink

The bell sounds and the train plods ahead

Leaving a valuable passenger for dead

<Sp/>

"Wait, stop, you've forgotten me,

The scent of flowers drove me crazy,

Please, don't leave me here alone!"

I stop running, sink down and groan

The flower fairy chirps with glee

"A sucker born every minute, I see"

<Sp/>

I turn to the fields of blushing bloom

That will slowly become my tomb

Why did I leave the bustling train

For sweetness that now smells like shame

A Pink Sweetness

Dry, hard and cracked

The rocky exterior of my heart

<Sp/>

Then come the piercing rains

That batter the hardened crust

Till it melts to soft mud

Shattering my foundation

<Sp/>


With no ground to stand on

I am lost

<Sp/>

I no longer have structure nor strength 

I drift along the river of despair

Helpless and hopeless

Weak and worthless

<Sp/>

But the rainstorm does not spell my end

For it is both a destructive and a creative force

<Sp/>

The stinging rain softens my edges

It sweetens my soul

It revitalizes my being

I did not know I was parched

<Sp/>

I did not know

That suffering could taste so sweet

<Sp/> 

As it quenches my thirst

New buds sprout from the rain soaked soil

Sprouts of love and compassion

Their roots spread into the centre of my heart

<Sp/>

I am not broken 

But reborn.

Rain of Despair

Say yes to life, they say

It's easy to say yes to life

When it's a promotion

Or a new job

Or a new love

Or a night out

But what about when it's not?

What if it's losing something

Rather than gaining

What if it's losing money

Or an opportunity

Or a friend?

What if it's getting something you didn't want

Harsh criticism

An unwanted touch

A deceitful lie

A cruel joke

<Sp/>

How do you say yes then?

Id rather say no!

But maybe saying yes to life

Means accepting the situation

Protecting yourself, yes

But being open to the lessons

That the hard knocks teach you

Because they come bearing gifts

Teaching you patience, courage and empathy

Like no self help book ever could

Say Yes To Musing

Are depression and sorrow the same thing?

I don't believe so

Depression is like a flat heart rate

Lifeless and still

Its like a blanket of fog 

That leaves you lost and hopeless

Its like being in an old silent film

Life has no colour or song

It drags on your heart like an invisible weight

It sucks the life out of you 

Letting the choicest of morsels

Taste like nothingness

Sorrow is different

Sorrow is like a lonely sparrow singing

It is pitiful yet lovely

It is like an unripe fruit

So sour it brings tears to your eyes

But after a couple bites

It tastes almost...sweet

Its makes you want to indulge

Desperate for another taste

Sorrow feels comforting 

Like an old friend

That you can only meet 

On special occasions

Usually funerals

But sometimes...

On those days

When something drags you down

And you just want to feel

You want the sadness to coat your heart

...Like a protective layer, almost 

The tears come and they feel...

Long overdue

You read sad stories

Wanting to bring out

The hidden agony in your heart

To cry for someone else

Feels easier than crying for yourself 

Feeling sad feels like being in your own little world

A secret for yourself as you walk around with a smile on your face

Everything is fine, I'm all good

You say

Guarding the hidden sorrow

In your heart

Telling people feels almost sacrilegious 

Because they won't understand

You don't even know why you're sad

Not really

For decade-old wounds and scars

For pain that is hidden so deep

That you sometimes forget it's even there 

Until a little trigger draws it out

Sometimes the scab opens

And sometimes it's just phantom pains

Of what used to be there 

But no longer is

Sorrow 

What a beautiful emotion 

Nothing feels more human than grief

Not joy that is like a short burst of fireworks 

Or anger that rages on like a wildfire

Or depression, which feels.. like nothing at all

Sorrow is far superior to depression 

Because at least you can feel something 

And you know that you can get out 

As soon as you stop wallowing 

In the cooling bathtub of your tears

And walk into the warm sun

A Sparrow's Song

You are like water

<Sp/>

A vast ocean of love

A lake of peace

An oasis of generosity

A well of compassion 

Giving and giving 

Quenching our desires 

Cleansing our sorrows 

Rejuvenating 

Creating

Birthing 

But even a deep well can run dry

When people keep taking and taking

Before skywater can replenish you

Until you wither and shrivel to stone

<Sp/>


You are like fresh water

Soft, sweet and mild

Free spirited yet peaceful 

<Sp/>


Until people take and take

Till you become salty and bitter

A rage boils in your deep waters

Until you become a furious storm

That swallows any boat that dares

Dares to ask for sweet serenity 

<Sp/>

I am like fire

A candle of focus

A bonfire of passion

A kitchen flame of chaos

A forest fire of rage

A fiery meteor of ambition

<Sp/>

You are like water

And that's a good thing

But this world thrives on balance

Your sweet mild lifeblood

Is lapped up by selfish fires

That use their flames to scare you 

And grow larger and more destructive 

You keep giving and they keep taking

You don't like conflict and resistance

So you give way, let them lap away

Until you shrivel into a trickling stream

<Sp/>

I know water is free and boundless

But set up your dams and fences

Your water is precious and limited

Save it for those who will give you life blood too

Be it a warm bonfire or a river that feeds into you

0r soft earth that hugs you or a playful wind that guides you 

Love and be loved 

Let yourself grow and grow

Give and take 

Please, I beg you 

You are worth it

Water and Fire

People's feelings transfer

Across screens

Provinces

Countries

If they're angry, you can feel it

Whether it's a gust of heat and sand

Or an acrid black smoke that suffocates

Or flickers and sparks of irritation

 

If they're happy, you can feel it

Like a soft, cool breeze

Or warm rays of sunshine

Or a shower of blossoming bliss

 

And when they're faking it, just pulling through

You can sense that too

The quiet words through gritted teeth

The forced smile, furrowed brows

And the vibes of frustration

 

Oh, if only I could shut off the lever

That allows that fog of feelings to enter

The serene valley of my mind

 

Tell me the secret

To prevent negativity from invading my pores

And allow me to bask in joy and gratitude

Regardless of the storms and droughts

 

I know that simply not caring doesn't work

Because I do care, that's why I'm human

So please tell me the secret of peace of mind

 

Is it that I'm trying to control the weather?

I want it to be sunny and pleasant

But it's ever changing, mercurial

So perhaps I need to smile

{/* */}
Even in the storm

And enjoy the gales

And thunder

So I can appreciate the sunny days

Even more

 

If that is the secret, then give me the strength

To let go of control and laugh in the rain

Even though I hate getting wet

I'll look the storm in the eye

And say, it's okay, do your thing

I'm here

And I'm okay

Weather the Storm

<Sp/>

Human beings are fragile creatures, no?

A simple phrase can upset us so,

Especially when the meaning is unclear,

As we swim in a river of hope and fear,

<Sp/>

When you say yes, do you really mean no?

Looking for answers I search high and low,

When you say no, how far can I go?

To convince you that I am no foe?

<Sp/>

I almost wish I could read your mind.

Although what I hear may not be kind,

But your ambiguity also causes me pain,

Not knowing what you mean drives me insane,

<Sp/>

The light is not green or red, but yellow,

So if not a happy yes, is it really a no?

Can I convince you or is it in vain?

I have much to lose and much to gain,

<Sp/>

But truly, I wish to know what you mean,

Is the light red or is it green?

What can I do at the end of the day,

If I have indeed lost my way?

<Sp/>

Should I sleep on it some more?

The answer may strike me as I snore,

As I escape into the world of dreams,

The mind wonders, doubts and schemes,

<Sp/>

What is the truth anyway?

Is it merely perspective as people say?

How do I really know what others feel?

If I can’t touch it, is it even real?

<Sp/>

My racing mind slowly comes to a stop,

The river of hope and fear shrinks to a drop,

Can I decide what your words mean to me?

Or am I deluding myself by deciding my reality?

<Sp/>

I guess at the end of the day, it matters not

After all, a word is merely a spoken thought

Yellow Light